Now that we’re all back into the season full swing, I thought it would be fun to revisit a popular post from a couple of years ago. Different versions of this list have circulated for years, so again I encourage you to post comments with any suggestions for additional fines/infractions. Also, it seemed appropriate to add a special management section, just as a sign of the times. Please note all management fines are per incident, but variable depending on current executive compensation.
2011 Bonus Section:
Management Fines
Creative accounting$500.00
Using the phrases “community engagement” or “new model” more than 75 times in one day $200.00
Plagiarizing Henry Fogel (verbal)$50.00
Inability to identify Henry Fogel$300.00
Referring to ASOL (League) data from 1995 or before$250.00
Misinformed pension fund commentary (unintentional)$150.00
Comical press gaffes$25.00Any reference to a “20 hour workweek”
$3,000.00Using the words “Detroit”, “Philadelphia” and “new model” in the same sentence$2,000.00 General overuse of jargon or catchphrases (including above)$200.00
Covert multi-year contract renewal$2000.00
Awkward fundraising speech before every subscription concert$400.00
Visible ponytail (male) $500.00
Habitual use of mystifying graphs and/or pie charts$300.00
Loss of more than 10 titled players in one season$1,000.00
Loss of more than 25 staff in one season$500.00
Premature bankruptcy declarationTBD
Musician Fines
Impersonating a Professional
Stupid questions$10.00Really stupid questions$20.00
Presumptuous First Year Behavior
Musicological Elucidation$25.00Historical Nitpicking$50.00Obtrusive Foot Tapping$10.00Uninvited Conducting$15.00Questioning Concertmaster’s or Principal’s Bowings (strings)$25.00Comparing Concertmaster’s or Principal’s bowings with what Philadelphia did under Ormandy$100.00
Toadying
Insane Cackling at Conductor’s Jokes$50.00Loud and Forced Phony Laugh at Conductor’s Jokes$20.00 Unwarranted Beatific Smile While Playing$40.00 Ridiculously Minute Bowing/Breathing Questions$75.00 Conversing With Conductor in Language Other Than English$95.00 Active and Public Nodding in Agreement With Conductor$35.00 Pencil Behind Ear$25.00 Conspicuous Part Marking$15.00 Pencil Clattering on Stand After Conspicuous Part Marking$300.00 Taking Much Longer Than Entire String Section to Finish Minor Bowing Change$100.00 Obvious, Insipid Consultation of Conductor’s Score During Break$150.00 Reference to Obscure Recordings/Performances$90.00 Pretending to Understand Absurd Metaphor During Rehearsal$15.00 Actually Understanding Absurd Metaphor$25.00 Informing Conductor That They Have More Rehearsal Time Than They Think$2000.00
Annoying Behavior By Veterans
Playing High Notes Louder Than Possible (Brass)$25.00 Holding Same 1/4 Beat Longer Than Everyone Else$200.00 Discussing Technique During Rehearsal$100.00 Discussing Technique During Break$200.00 Discussing Technique With Guest Artist (at any time)$500.00 Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes$30.00 Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (Second-Hand)$60.00 Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (First-Hand)$90.00 Feigning European Birth by “lapsing” into Foreign Languages$150.00
General Obnoxious Behavior
Inviting Conductor to Party$15.00 Inviting Soloist to Party$100.00 Showing Pictures of Soloist at Party During First Service Following Party$200.00 Warming Up Onstage More Than 30 Minutes Before Service$50.00 Warming Up Onstage So Loudly No One Else Can$100.00 Warming Up Backstage So Loudly No One Else Can$250.00 Warming Up Loudly With Solo Part of Concerto To Be Performed by Guest Artist$400.00 Continuing to Tune Loudly After Everyone Else Finishes$10.00 Unnecessarily Obvious Insertion of Earplugs$15.00 Habitual Use of Earplugs Regardless of Repertoire (e.g. Pachelbel Canon)$65.00 Conversing With Management (non-hostile)$25.00 Forwarding “Funny” Email to Other Musicians$200.00